Shaken and Stirred : Life isn't a Martini

There are many ways to tell this.

A child who gets a new toy, gives up the old one he had and loved for so long, just to play with the new one for a while and realizing that it’s not what he actually wanted tosses it away, goes back to the old one and loves it even more. Or a man who doesn’t bother enough to care for his new car drives over a steep bump and is shaken to his soul, realizes that all it takes it one bump to break apart his car unless he takes care of it and he does it really well eventually.Or a simple matter of changing breakfast cereals for a change and then after a while realizing that it’s not suiting your palate go back to your old and faithful choice and promise to stick to it.

Well the crux of the matter is that it takes a very small transition to make you realize that what you have at hand is really important and that, my friend, is what you really want and not the transitory gatecrasher. 

Ah that is nice, let me see,

Oh what a wonderful life it might be

With this thing in my heart

Life is as wonderful as yellow is Bart.

But then alas, a choice to make,

Which to keep and which to bake,

O! this one for sure. Or maybe that.

Thomas Friedman isn’t sure that the world is flat.

This one it is. I know I love it.

And you there, just for a while, just go and shove it.

I was glee and my thirty-two showed,

But I was sad for the one who was mowed.

Tough call buddy. Had your chance.

Time for us to shake booty and dance.

We had our moments and things looked swell.

Then choices were re-thought and sub-zero went hell.

Karma is bad thing. Came around

And kicked me in the arse right when I found

Two days of joy and a year of tears.

God said. You have a problem son. I’am all ears.

I tucked away the space and time,

Walked far away from the scene of crime.

Going back to the old and faithful is the best thing to do,

Who, despite being told to shove it was standing by you.

We become in life by the choices we stick,

Voldemort or Harry. Take a pick.

Thanks for the time that you had showed,

Wherever you are, remember the bump on the road. 

Quintessential Uttar Pradesh - Haasil

28 states and a supply chain type working of Bollywood production houses ensures the fact that at some point in time, movies are bound to be dedicated to a certain state.  The “bhaiyaas” of UP have been a perennial subject feeding the pipeline and producing movies like Omkara, Main Meri Patni aur Wo and some trashy ones like Tashan. But if I’ am asked to single out one I’d (without batting an eyelid) say Haasil.

With an IMDB rating of 7.7 this movie owes it’s 6 (out of 7.7) to Irfan Khan. It was the favorite “Wing-Film” in the hostel (competing with Gunda, neck-to-neck) and its dialogues were thrown about in the mess to completely unaware people who stared at us blankly. Here’s the CD, go watch it.

It opens up on the terrace of the Allahabad University with the goons of Gauri Shankar chasing Ranvijay Singh.  Our lady (Niharika) makes an entry for an unapparent reason and Ranvijay borrows her hair-band for making a desi-bomb. Now the dialoguebaazi that ensues went down in the history of our hostel wing. Ranvijay is caught and bashed up, but not before he has used the bomb and reduced one guy to tears. 

"रणविजय आज जो है तुम्हारी कहानी है ख़तम"

"पंडित, तुमसे गोली वोली न चली, मंतर फूँक के मार दो, और तू चिल्ला का रहा है बे, एक और बम बनाये का ?"

And then enters Gauri Shankar, the current university president. 

"अरे ओ निशानची, हम आ रहे है हम, गौरी शंकर, तोहरे बाप" 

He props Ranvijay up from the floor and sometimes I use the same dialogue to wake up my flat-mate in the morning.

"चलिए उठिए, हाँ, क्या दामाद बने पड़े है यहाँ, हा चलिए"  

I have never been to a state university but growing up in Lucknow, I can vouch for the fact that the nail was being driven right into the head.

The next scene is a dilapidated cinema hall which is a hangout for Ranvijay’s gang. They are watching a scene from the movie Nayak where bullock carts are being blown up. Their level of IQ is revealed when they discuss the funda of "बम्बैया बकैती" "माडर्न सोसाइटी" until Ranvijay enters to discuss their war-plan against Gauri Shankar. When advised to run away as everyone is on his look out Ranvijay retorts 

"काहे भाग जाए बे !! मारे लप्पड़ तोहरी बुद्दी खुल जाए. फौज ज़्यादा है तो भाग जाए. वोह सरकारी गुंडे है, हम क्रांतिकारी है. गोर्रिल्ला वार किया जाएगा. गोर्रिल्ला वोर्रिल्ला जानते हो की नहीं " 

And then everyone explains his knowledge of Gorrilla warfare. One even goes onto say that he resembles one.

Aniruddh (our hero) is practicing Hamlet on the stage when he meets Ranvivay and he becomes a fan of his धाकड़ acting.  

Gauri’s younger brother, Badri, who is contesting the University elections confronts NIharika and says, possibly, the funniest lines of the movie. That too in English.

“I’ am Badri Shankar. Younger brother of carrant prreshident of Ooniversity. You gibhe me vote and I can gibhe you ……… Claash on time, eggjamination on time. Neat and clean Ooniversity” 

One of the best scenes in the film is when Anni and his dad go to a garment store and his dad insists on buying the same “check” cloth for both him and his son. Ranvijay who is meanwhile taking refuge on the first-floor of the shop summons Anni to meet his gang. 

"यह अनिरुद्ध है. कौन है ?" "बहुत जबर एक्टिंग करता है. इसकी एक्टिंग देखोगे न तो तुम्हारी ................ हालत ख़राब हो जाएगी" 

And then one “nouveau -urban” guys in his gang bears the brunt of humiliation.

"यार तुम इसको सिखायो. टोपी शोपी ! आए हाय मेरे राज्जा ! टोपी पेहेन्ने से नहीं होता." Ranvijay asks Anni to have a beer so that he’ll be ठंडा ठंडा all day. But then his dad comes up and Ranvijay introduces everyone around as Anni’s college-mate, even though their appearances deceive it.

"यह तौफिक है. BSc की BA बे ? " Taufiq looks down, takes hi cap off and disappointedly says "BSc कहाँ ! BA "

Meanwhile elections approach and also in a parallel story line, love is blossoming between Anni and Niharika, who is supposedly the only good looking girl in the entire university. Ranvijay finds it out and laments about the fact he does not have a love in his life. 

"नज़र का ही तो खेल है. दिल तो साला हमारा भी साफ़ है" 

But he helps Anni out by finding a place for them to meet secretly.

Gauri Shankar pissed off by the antics of Ranvijay, sends out goons to kill people in Ranvijay’s village. The Chief-Minister surveys the scene of tragedy and then, to display the irony of law-and-order in UP, gives a ride home to Gauri Shankar and his men in his white-red-light ambassador. A policeman who tries to see what is going on is reprimanded. 

"आप ज़्यादा phantom ना बनिए. सर सर करेंगे. डांट दिए जाएंगे. " 

Ranvijay hits the roof on getting this news and pledges to finish off Gauri Shankar on the thirteenth day of mourning. And that he does. He also wipes off the confederates of Badri, who loses the election after his brother’s death but spares Jackson, whom he plants in Badri’s team to provide insider information. Now Ranvijay shifs focus to Anni and Niharika who are secretly dating but what Anni does not know is that Ranvijay also likes Niharika and wants to get him out of the way. Damn the girl again!! He leaks information of the dating venue to Niharika’s family and her brothers promptly bash up Anni. Now Ranvijay instigates Anni is one of the ‘motivational’ scenes of the movie to go and seek his revenge. 

"लड़की के सामने मार खा जाने से लड़की को लगता है की लड़का प्यार तो करता है पर सुरक्षा नहीं दे सकता" "बाप को तो छोड़ दो पर भाइयों से हिसाब बराबर कर लो" Hands him a gun. "यह लो. बस दिखाना. फट जाएगी. दौड़ा दौड़ा के मारना" 

Anni, in the heat of the moment, lets out a shot and hurts a guy. Police try to hunt him down and Ranvijay helps him elope to Mumbai where we are introduced to another character, Chutkku, who is a total nut-case but manages to conk out Anni. Ranvijay meanwhile plays his cards and convinces Niharika’s dad for his wedding with her. Asshole !

Annis wakes up in Mumbai two days later and promptly rushes back to Allahabad where he realizes what Ranvijay’s plan actually are. He manages to elope with Niharika and takes shelter with Badri, who believes in “a foe of a foe is a friend”. Meanwhile Ranvijay who has secured a sensitive tape of the Chief Minister, blackmails and admonishes him (by hitting him with a slipper!!! A CM being hit by a slipper !!!) to force Badri to hand over the girl  to him. The deal is set for the next day at Kumbh Mela where gun-fire ensues and everyone except for Anni and Niharika is killed. Ranvijay is shot by Anni himself. The CM brushes off all the charges and the couple is free !! 

What a movie ! After coming to Austin, I miss speaking and listening to Hindi a lot and especially the tone of the typical UP Hindi.  Where else, but this film, can I listed to the distilled version of the “Bhaiya” hindi and it is one of the reasons I love this film and also because of Irfan Khan who has done a stupendous role as Ranvijay. 

"भइया धाकाद पिक्चर है. ज़रूर देखना. समझे ! "

Hence or Otherwise

This post is dedicated to my friend Ankur Gandhi who is smitten by the sentence “Hence or Otherwise”  

Have you ever had to dig for information and knowing that if you did not manage to do it, you can come off as a total fool? Say for instance you meet an old college friend of yours, with whom who were very intimate in old days and you knew which company he worked in, where was he placed and now all you remember is his face and his name. Now to make matters worse, he knows everything about you.  So you bump into each other.

You- “Hello Bhai ! Arre yaar tum. Itne dino baad. Kya co-incidence hai”

He- “Haan yaar. Main to Mumbai mein hi hoon do saal se. Tera Schlum ka kaam kaisa chul raha hai?”

Oops !! Faux Pas !! Now the best thing to do here is to go ahead and ask which company is he placed in and settle the issue. The more you stall, the uneasy it becomes.

But I being I have to get a kick in the crotch. So I ask him indirect questions like “To tum shuru se hi Mumbai mein ho ki tumhaari company ne kahin aur bhi place kiya?” or  “Training pe kahan kahan gaye” or “Kaam to bahut hoga na wahan ?” in the hope that he’ll blurt out the name and then I can swoop in easily and act like I’ve followed his past and not been an aloof jerk. But I never get an answer. And finally he says

“Abe tum to Goregaon mein hi rehte ho. Kabhi mere yahan aao. Kandivili paas mein hi hai”. WTF ! He knows where I stay and I do not even know where he works. That’s insane. But I’ll leave this story here and come to the point of why I started this explanation. 

Why I started this is because two days back I was sitting in the Engineering Library and poring over some text when this Chinese “Person” (notice the word person) comes and sits across the desk. Honestly this is not made up, but I could not guess whether it was girl or a boy. Now since I cannot use He or She yet, I’ll use Xhe. Now Chinese people have very smooth skin so that factor is ruled out and Xhe had long hair so I was kinda stymied. Xhe smiled and I said “Hi” and the voice had no clue either. I wanted to concentrate on my studies but the thought of not knowing “what” was sitting across me was unsettling. I “Looked” but as Keira Knightly fails the test, Xhe did too. So I decided to strike up a conversation.

So next time Xhe looks up I say “Hello I’ am Siddhartha” and Xhe says “Hi, I’am Xuan Xi Li”

Wow !! That’s helps. Mystery solved.

“So what are you studying here?” I ask.

“Electrical Engineering. Freshman”

“Nice. I’ am in Petroleum. So you from around here or International?”

“No No! I’ am from Taiwan how bout you?”

“I’ am from India” Focus. Buddy I need your information you don’t need mine.

“Oh how wonderful. Must’ve been an awful long flight from Taiwan to Austin”

“Yeah. But my sister was with me too so it was not boring” (if only Xhe told me whether Xhe was sister to her sister too or not) “and also they showed “Made of Honor” and “27 Dresses” so time passed well” 

Definitely a girl. Only then can she like such movies. And then the clincher. 

“So you live by alone or have a roomie ?” 

“Oh! I have a roomie. She’s from Taiwan too. I met her at the induction. So we are 2 girls living in a 2 bedroom apartment”

Bless you !!! 

“I gotta go now. I have a class. Nice to meet you Xuan” I left. 

Hence or otherwise proved. X=S  

Mi Nombre

I have had this said to me three times. I went into University Federal Credit Union to open up my bank account and the lady across the reception said “May I help you Sir”.

“Yes Please. I’ am here to open a new student bank account”

“Certainly. Please fill in this form and we’ll get to it”

So I sit down and fill in the form, which has the usual personal details and stuff. After I’ am done, I hand it back to the lady who looks at it and says

“Siddhartha .. huh ! I’ve read the book, it’s fabulous but I’ve met a person by this name for the first time”

My bulbs went out for a second. Then they came on again. I knew what she was talking about. “Oh yes!” I say  “We are a rare breed”

The same thing happened to me at University Co-op Art Store and at Walmart.

By this time was I was psyched out to the extent of having decided to go ahead and read the damn book once and for all.

I ‘am referring to Hermann Hesse’s “Siddhartha”. This is a book about a prince’s journey of finding his inner self and giving up all the worldly possessions in the process. Originally written in German it has been translated into several languages including English. I looked all this up at the “mother-of-all-uploads” Wikipedia. Sounds quite like a spiritualistic, musty and “Deepak Chopra addresses the crowd” kind of book so I was skeptical because I do not like such books and have never really read one of those except for “Jonathan Livingston Seagull” and “The Alchemist” which I despised, but WTH, I’ve never read a book my namesake either. So I went to the Perry Castaneda Library and got it issued.

It’s about 120 Pages, hardbound.

The first thing that stuck me as odd when I started the book was that there was something wrong with the story line. At least it did not align with what I had known for so long. I knew that Gautam Buddha, was originally called Siddhartha and when he renounced all the worldly pleasures, he came to be known as the former. But here it was different. Siddhartha was a different guy and Gautam Buddha was a different guy. My only hope of sharing my name with a world-class celebrity (albeit of a different class) was shattered.

When I finished the book, I closed it and lay back. I was feeling heavy. Not because of the book, I had just finished my dinner. The book did not have any effect on me. You know there are things which if you call BAD people frown on you.

Like when I was in college, I used to mock my friends who were a fan of “FRIENDS” and they went like “You outcast! How come you don’t like FRIENDS” and today I have all the dialogues memorized. Similarly I borrowed this copy of “The Alchemist” from my Mom and when I finished it she asked “So did you like it? “. Everyone likes the Alchemist or at least pretends to do so but I was about to say “How did you allow me to waste 2 days with this crap” but said instead “I have to go to the bathroom”. She would have frowned, no doubt.

So anyways, I did not like the book. It was as sleepy a hot bathtub and bottle of cough-syrup but at least now I can say  “Oh Puhleeezzz! Am not that boring” 

What we see yet do not

This post was on a 'women connect' forum at Schlumberger and I was directed to it by a friend of mine. It was an anonymous post but underneath the rhythm and rhyme was a message which jostled me. I too was walking down a narrow alley of this thought process but I was shaken to senses by this and a few other stuff I read there. Read this one and try and appreciate the fact that the fairer sex doesn't have a easy time in the corporate life, as many of us perceive.  If we are on a 'columbus' they are on a 'roller-coaster' ! 

Thanks for the picking me out of that narrow alley. 

Became a rig pig for a free lunch

Didn't have a clue or a hunch

They said it'd be good, they said it'd be fun

Earn tons of cash, see the world

They treated me good, they treated me right

Booked me a limo after my long flight

Set me up in a hotel with a great view

I kept asking myself if this really was true

I signed on the dotted line before they could change their mind

Couldn't believe I had this job! Oh what a find!

I was sure I made the right choice

Should I have heeded to that little voice?

I was leaving home, settling afar

Rented a little apartment, bought a new car

Life was good, I was living it up

But before long it would start to suck

It wasn't the work, it wasn't the pay

It was things that people would say

I could never do anything right

Being a girl, work became a fight

"You are a girl, that's why you did well"

"That's fine work, you are swell"

Or, "You are a girl, can't do a mans job"

"Rigs are no place for a girl, be a banker, be a doc"

Got no credit, got no fame

Lived with regret and at times with shame

"What's wrong darlin'?", dad would ask

With laughter and stories, my pain I'd mask

"You're too friendly, you must be a slut

Can I visit you tonight, and keep the door shut

You don't talk much, totally a bitch

I bet if I hit on her, she'd snitch"

These are the things I'd have to hear

Go in the corner, let out a lonely tear

Put on a brave face and go back again

I'll be damned if they see my pain!

What can I do, I continue this battle

They'd have to do a lot more, to make me rattle

I'll go down fighting, my sword up in the sky

I might loose, but I'll hold my head high

-Anonymous

A Snooze Fest

After leaving Mumbai I’ve had this impeding fetish of watching a play, of which I was deprived for a long time. Finally today, after around three frikking long months, it was doused. And what big time ! Do u remember the time when you are in an elevator, alone, and this pretty lady you’ve never seen before enters? An unnerving silence that follows and you try and stare at your toes in the hope of finding Indiana Jones’ treasure. Ok so now take that the un-comfort level and multiply is by 45670648590334578 and take the lift into Petronas Tower reduce it’s velocity by the same factor! Why?? 


I went to watch a play by Shakespeare!  

God will vouch that I wasn’t acting crazy or intellectual. Just plain ol curiosity drove me in and plain ol insanity drove me out. It was “A Winter’s Tale” performed by Actors from the London Stage whose theatrical credentials were verified by Wikipedia but boy I did not know the voltage at which my circuits get crossed! 
10 minutes into the play and the ticket stub flew out of my hand. Because I was sleeping. I stuttered awake thinking I was in a lecture and the lady next to me was applauding. Oh ha ha! Very good. Very good indeed. I clapped. Went back to sleep. It was 3 Hours long. Can you believe it ? 3 Hours. Ashutosh Gowarikar gave us horses, fight, elephants, aerobics, some mushy scenes and then too we tongue lashed him for Jodha Akbar. I was speechless here. As speechless at Kamal Hasan in sadma ! 
 

Re-living my high-school days for 3 hours was quite an ordeal and it brings back the memory of Hamlet’s soliloquy, which I had memorized by heart in those days. I make my own here for the grad-school days. 


 

To slack, or not to slack, that is the question;



Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
the C’s and D’s of outrageous assignments,


Or to take pens against a sea of compositions,
And by opposing or creatively copying, finish them. 


To work; to accomplish,
No more, and by accomplishment to say we end

The workload, and the thousand SPE Papers
That students are heir to; 


'tis a dream
Devoutly to be wish'd. To work, to accomplish;
To accomplish; perchance to succeed; ay, there's the rub;



For in that accomplishment of work what mark may come,
When F-1 visa is but a paper and PPT’s are merely a stageshow; 


there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long a school career seem fair

Till later. 


 

May thou have a befitting week! Or whatever!