Elizabethan Prophecy

I was the knight in the shining armor riding down the foggy path through the forest at the dead of night. My head hung dejectedly on a slumped shoulder as the steed tore through the night. Winning wars and collecting taxes did not matter to me anymore as a tumult reigned within me. There was never a moment of fulfillment despite the stately success and the praises that rained from heaven.

Banquo was riding beside me, his face set straight and looking hard through the fog that cast an eerie glow on the foliage around. He is a dear friend of mine and has been so since long. He is a fine bloke and a dexterous swordsman. As good as he is in yielding an arm; he is also an adept wooer. Banquo has been courting a lovely lady lately and from the looks of it, things seem to be getting definite.

Now the reason for my forlorn demeanor is my abortive love life, to put things straight. The thing has been bothering and hollowing me from the inside and I feel like collapsing into myself. The love bug had struck on my last visit to Bronderslev where I had met Arisia Graoch, the daughter of the local surgeon. Things looked pretty well and her eyes were wet as I rode out of the village. Letters were exchanged on a regular basis for over a year when fate struck and events took an unexpected turn. Arisia moved to Holmgarde where she went down the road to opulence and since then letters went unanswered and groans went unheard. This was what I was thinking of today as I rode towards the castle of Denmark.

Poof…Poof…Poof and apparated out thin air three figures crouching over a steaming cauldron. Ah! Witches for sure as the smell of cooking salamander wafted through the air. They had long noses and creepy eyes which surveyed us closely.

“Which of you is Macbeth?” One of the witches squeaked.

“Me it is”

“Bother not O! Brave Knight for what you seek shall be yours in time”

“What is that you speak of??” I demanded

“Macbeth, yours fears are justified but you shall have the love of your life and the gloom of your soul shall vanish”

“Really!!! When would it happen?? I’ am sick of waiting”

“The day when the Birnam Woods move towards the castle of Denmark”

“Whaaaat ???? Birnam Woods will move!!! Are you out of your mind??”

“Stars tell the tale and never incorrectly”

Poof…Poof…Poof and they vanished into thin air.

What a remarkable prophecy. Impossibility achieved divine proportions tonight. The spark of hope that remained seemed to quiver in the cold draft. I looked up at the sky and closed my eyes.

“God send Malcom and Macduff speedily as I am tired of tarrying matters and need to put my heart to rest and soul to peace. Move O! The mighty Birnam Woods and let me embrace my destiny”

Shakespeare wrote the rest.

Toothbrush Obscenity

All the avid and a bit observant movie buffs out there, I have a question for you. What is that which is not shown in any movie howsoever explicitly vulgar and outlandish the movie be???

I’ll tell you. Surprisingly it is one such affair that everyone indulges in and is not repugnant. Brushing of teeth … or rather spitting of the paste foam.

There are many such examples. In the movie Enemy at the gates Vassilli Zaitsev (the main protagonist) was shown to indulge in carnal pleasures but when it came to ‘basin’al behavior the camera always stayed focused at the mirror and never panned down. Same was the case in The Truman Show and Stuart Little (the kid did not get laid though).

Even Hindi movies stick to this fundaa. Take for instance Lucky. The girl studies for her exam as she brushes and the camera movement never defies the trajectory. Kya Kehna was also in league.

Maybe the directors have some qualms in filming this ‘social outrage’ and ‘distasteful behavior’ of man. We are at peace though as skin flicks rule.

What the heck “WE” do???

I won’t say petrified but am at loss of words when people ask me “What exactly do petroleum engineers do?” and I smile sheepishly and say “Aah... Well… Hmm…Knock it off”.

The thing that troubles me the most in my engineering sphere is explaining to people what the sphere encloses. Electrical, Mechanical, Electronics, Com-Sci are self-proclaimed departments and no moron ventures to ask the same question to such an engineer but our case is a bit different.

Now to answer the question - In the four years of the course we just go to the lecture halls, jot down notes, freak out the whole sem, mug up all the crap and if need be resort to unfair means, throw up all the ingested stuff in the end-sems and go onto the next sem. So in the four years the domain of all the departments remains fairly similar but the real problem arises thereafter.

In short we try and save the maximum chunk of the forex reserve of the country. For the obtuse – “We drive the nation” but since this statement seems a bit too egotistical so let me explain. The entire upstream sector of the oil industry i.e. the exploration and production segment have the petroleum engineers as the nerve center and we also share responsibility for the lifeblood circulation. So the technical decision making and a part support system is taken care by us. And since this world won’t survive for a day without oil it would be safe to state that we indeed make the world go. Oh! Wow! And I always thought that this was an exaggeration until today.

So when some one asks me “So Indian Oil Corp must surely be recruiting from your campus?” it psyches me out totally. I look up and pray “God bestow a little knowledge on this imprudent creature”. Upstream and downstream are two totally different phases of the industry and asking such a question is like asking a stockbroker about the current onion prices.

Now when laymen tread into technical territory they commit utter faux pas. “Does one have to go down into the oil well to bail out oil?” Yah sure, reduce yourself to the size of a carrot and go down the well because any bigger dimensions might cause a bit of suffocation downhole. So Bon Voyage!!

Not their fault though as this an atypical branch and general awareness is less. Well lay your queries to rest and drop in a mail if required.

Do not expect a prompt reply though as I maybe too busy driving the nation around.

Toilet Seat ‘N’ Shaving Syndrome

Researchers say that the best ideas happen when in bed and not Archimedes type but I beg to differ and here’s my notion. Mind churns up whims, crap, shit and sometimes even ideas when you want it to do so and not when left to itself. So in the frenzied and chaotic life of today when does calm pervade?

Ask me and I will tell you two such instances, as the title suggests.

Press the plunger and take a generous amount of foam, apply liberally over the face. Next pick up the razor and begin the process of thinking. Glance into the mirror, look into your eyes and ponder over the loose threads and Oh! Yes don’t forget to take care of the nicks that might have been caused by the razor in the process. Try this the next time you decide to smoothen your countenance and who knows what great crap is born! Sorry gals! For missing this legacy but don’t be disheartened for here’s the next option.

The glittering throne of the humankind and seat to attain pseudo-orgasmic contentment can also provide a valuable service of crafting thought. Take it this way - what else can you do with a bare bottom in the confines of a cubicle? So why not tread a noble path and amble towards glory while still perched on the throne. How many inventions of today owe their birth to the call of nature, I can’t say for sure but it sure helps to delve deep into the thought process.

Beds are meant for sleeping and an econo-budget pastime and they should be allowed to serve their purpose.

Well I guess am done …………….. Flush ……….. Close the lid of the laptop and brace for the world outside the toilet. Know what? Sometimes you can go a step ahead of thinking too.