Saturday, November 29, 2008

Shawsh'ankle' Redemption


Only this time I wasn’t faking it. About 11 years back when I was in eight standard, or somewhere there, I was asked by my teacher to play a part in a play. I though that I hadn’t done any great things so far so WTH (H=Heck not Hell. I love God) I’ll do it. Rehearsal began and as it turned out I wasn’t suited to play a Doctor. I’ am sorry, as I 14 years old, it’s odd that I do not know how to hold a stethoscope.  So after 2 days of practice I was downgraded from a Doctor to a guy running a grocery store!

That’s like going from being in Mathematics section till 10th and then being told to switch to commerce for 12th! My soul threw up. I thought of showing my teacher how good a doctor I was by breaking her Femur! but I did not and my report card vouches for it. I decided to ditch the play and I needed a plan to get out of it.

I used to ride a bike to school and I decided to center my script on it. So here’s how it would go. I go out on a ride, stumble across a rough patch on the road and take a hard fall, sprain my leg and end up with a bandaged leg for at least a week and I’ am out of the play. Not in real. I may not be qualified to play a doctor but 'Am not stupid. But I couldn’t walk to school with a normal gait and then wrap a bandage on my leg in front of the school gate so I had to involve my Mom/Dad in this too. This was tricky. I would me limping 24 hrs! So my cycle crash occurred at an audible distance from home and I made my debut at acting the ‘painful’ look and bailed out from the play. And that’s the story of how I had my shot at stardom and how I blew it by inventing a lie of falling off a bike when all I did was dismount, sit down, well up and shout!

11 years later on Thanksgiving Day, I’ am walking to a friends place for a dinner. No buses are running on campus so Ashu and I walk the way. ‘Boy the campus is so crowded today because of the A&M game and look at all the.. aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh’ and I flipped over, my specs fogged and flew out and I was lying flat on the grass. Apparently I had stepped into a hole, a size of a bear trap and twisted my ankle as badly as a toffee wrapper . I was in a total holiday mood and in no way was I gonna let this minor, aaaaaaaaahhhhhh, incident put a damper on my plans. So with Ashu’s help I trotted a mile across campus walking as if Pinocchio was suffering from a severe case of Termite attack! With every step, the crunch and internal aaah alarm went off. I managed to get there but with dinner the plans for the night were not over yet. It was Black-Friday and I could not allow by ankle to come in the way of the awesome threesome between my credit card, 50% sale and my shopping fetish!  It was the first time in my life that I did a night out and for what an honorable cause. Wardrobe re-style!

All this while I was walking like the hands of clock at 17:30.

So here are the 3 morals of the story

  1. Never fake an accident because it come back to haunt you in real 11 years later.
  2. Tylenol doesn’t make pain go away. ‘Did you find everything ok? Your bill is XXXXX, please swipe your card’ does.
  3. England you suck at cricket. India you rock! ( It has nothing to do with the story but I just wanted to say it )

     

     

Saturday, November 01, 2008

The Night the crowd came out

To my friends – Ashu, Miguel, Angel, Cagri, Andres, Gilberto, Karina and Federico 

It was as wild as Bugs Bunny on an aphrodisiac. On a fornicating spree. Only it wasn’t Bugs Bunny, it was the UT Students. It wasn’t aphrodisiac, it was sheer madness and ‘spirit’ and it wasn’t a fornicating spree. It was Halloween!

I had heard the stories of the crowd going berserk on the 6th Street but I was about to discover it first hand today. You know when I go grocery shopping and I buy too many vegetables that exceed the size of the crisper, I stuff it in somehow, squishing the tomatoes, twisting the gourd and pulping the lemons. I totally empathize with them after this night. I open my fridge and the tomato looks up and says “Aha! Been there, seen it! Do you get it now how it feels to be groped my fellow species!”

My non-Indian friends had celebrated Diwali with me so I decided to go for Halloween with full steam. I was dressed as a County Cop with a badge, goggles, shoes and everything. Just my Allen Solly belt was a dead-giveaway! Now I couldn’t wear my regular glasses so I put it in a friend’s purse and I was walking with my prescription shades on which made the dark night ever darker and me half-blind. But then, in the crowd bumping was unavoidable anyways. After all it beat the Mumbai Local Trains hands down.

I must admit that Americans can be creative in the weirdest ways possible and they do put in a lot of effort to make that creativity come alive. Some of the funniest, spookiest, LMAO and gross costumes I saw –

5 guys dressed as blocks of Tetris who managed to carry 5 ft high blocks and sat interlocked on the street. So many Sarah Palins that if indeed they were republicans then McCain need not worry. A guy dressed as an Investment Banker with his wife in front of him and a board on his head “On Sale For 1000$. Sell everything. The market is crashing!!“. The famous Batman and Joker duo at times seen with the entire crew of Justice League. So many girls dressed to the point of endorsing ‘sluts are us’. Fred Flintstones and Welma, entire cast of Loony Tunes, guys dressed as playmates, incredible hulk and there were some other cops too beside me. At one point I even crossed some real cops who were patrolling the area. Whoopsy Daisies ! I asked one of them for a picture and he said ‘sure’. Also the grossest of costumes (but I did laugh my heart out) was this Guy dressed as a huge dick down the minutest details. Who makes that stuff !! “Oh yes Sir. Please stitch me a weeny. Yeah 6 foot long. That’s right. Don’t forget the pockets!” If that’s isn’t creativity then Osama is really dead.

And in all this hustle I lost sight of my friend who had my glasses and I was stuck with my shades with which I was seeing white as grey and without which black. We went into a pub and the doorman asked me to take off my glasses inside to avoid stepping on someone’s toes. “Buddy without it I’ll walk OVER someone and not know”. Eased my feet after miles and hours of walking and it was 02:00 soon. Took the bus back to campus, which was now looking like how it would look when civilization is wiped out. Totally deserted. My flatmate Ashu, was guiding me along. “Here, step up to the sidewalk. Lookout, there’s a pole. Dogshit! Oops! “  I reached home unscathed.

This was my first taste of American Festivity and I can’t say that I did not love it. It was wild and lively and I slept a drunk, jay-walking, unruly cop tonite. 

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Shaken and Stirred : Life isn't a Martini

There are many ways to tell this.

A child who gets a new toy, gives up the old one he had and loved for so long, just to play with the new one for a while and realizing that it’s not what he actually wanted tosses it away, goes back to the old one and loves it even more. Or a man who doesn’t bother enough to care for his new car drives over a steep bump and is shaken to his soul, realizes that all it takes it one bump to break apart his car unless he takes care of it and he does it really well eventually.Or a simple matter of changing breakfast cereals for a change and then after a while realizing that it’s not suiting your palate go back to your old and faithful choice and promise to stick to it.

Well the crux of the matter is that it takes a very small transition to make you realize that what you have at hand is really important and that, my friend, is what you really want and not the transitory gatecrasher. 

Ah that is nice, let me see,

Oh what a wonderful life it might be

With this thing in my heart

Life is as wonderful as yellow is Bart.

But then alas, a choice to make,

Which to keep and which to bake,

O! this one for sure. Or maybe that.

Thomas Friedman isn’t sure that the world is flat.

This one it is. I know I love it.

And you there, just for a while, just go and shove it.

I was glee and my thirty-two showed,

But I was sad for the one who was mowed.

Tough call buddy. Had your chance.

Time for us to shake booty and dance.

We had our moments and things looked swell.

Then choices were re-thought and sub-zero went hell.

Karma is bad thing. Came around

And kicked me in the arse right when I found

Two days of joy and a year of tears.

God said. You have a problem son. I’am all ears.

I tucked away the space and time,

Walked far away from the scene of crime.

Going back to the old and faithful is the best thing to do,

Who, despite being told to shove it was standing by you.

We become in life by the choices we stick,

Voldemort or Harry. Take a pick.

Thanks for the time that you had showed,

Wherever you are, remember the bump on the road. 

Quintessential Uttar Pradesh - Haasil

28 states and a supply chain type working of Bollywood production houses ensures the fact that at some point in time, movies are bound to be dedicated to a certain state.  The “bhaiyaas” of UP have been a perennial subject feeding the pipeline and producing movies like Omkara, Main Meri Patni aur Wo and some trashy ones like Tashan. But if I’ am asked to single out one I’d (without batting an eyelid) say Haasil.

With an IMDB rating of 7.7 this movie owes it’s 6 (out of 7.7) to Irfan Khan. It was the favorite “Wing-Film” in the hostel (competing with Gunda, neck-to-neck) and its dialogues were thrown about in the mess to completely unaware people who stared at us blankly. Here’s the CD, go watch it.

It opens up on the terrace of the Allahabad University with the goons of Gauri Shankar chasing Ranvijay Singh.  Our lady (Niharika) makes an entry for an unapparent reason and Ranvijay borrows her hair-band for making a desi-bomb. Now the dialoguebaazi that ensues went down in the history of our hostel wing. Ranvijay is caught and bashed up, but not before he has used the bomb and reduced one guy to tears. 

"रणविजय आज जो है तुम्हारी कहानी है ख़तम"

"पंडित, तुमसे गोली वोली न चली, मंतर फूँक के मार दो, और तू चिल्ला का रहा है बे, एक और बम बनाये का ?"

And then enters Gauri Shankar, the current university president. 

"अरे ओ निशानची, हम आ रहे है हम, गौरी शंकर, तोहरे बाप" 

He props Ranvijay up from the floor and sometimes I use the same dialogue to wake up my flat-mate in the morning.

"चलिए उठिए, हाँ, क्या दामाद बने पड़े है यहाँ, हा चलिए"  

I have never been to a state university but growing up in Lucknow, I can vouch for the fact that the nail was being driven right into the head.

The next scene is a dilapidated cinema hall which is a hangout for Ranvijay’s gang. They are watching a scene from the movie Nayak where bullock carts are being blown up. Their level of IQ is revealed when they discuss the funda of "बम्बैया बकैती" "माडर्न सोसाइटी" until Ranvijay enters to discuss their war-plan against Gauri Shankar. When advised to run away as everyone is on his look out Ranvijay retorts 

"काहे भाग जाए बे !! मारे लप्पड़ तोहरी बुद्दी खुल जाए. फौज ज़्यादा है तो भाग जाए. वोह सरकारी गुंडे है, हम क्रांतिकारी है. गोर्रिल्ला वार किया जाएगा. गोर्रिल्ला वोर्रिल्ला जानते हो की नहीं " 

And then everyone explains his knowledge of Gorrilla warfare. One even goes onto say that he resembles one.

Aniruddh (our hero) is practicing Hamlet on the stage when he meets Ranvivay and he becomes a fan of his धाकड़ acting.  

Gauri’s younger brother, Badri, who is contesting the University elections confronts NIharika and says, possibly, the funniest lines of the movie. That too in English.

“I’ am Badri Shankar. Younger brother of carrant prreshident of Ooniversity. You gibhe me vote and I can gibhe you ……… Claash on time, eggjamination on time. Neat and clean Ooniversity” 

One of the best scenes in the film is when Anni and his dad go to a garment store and his dad insists on buying the same “check” cloth for both him and his son. Ranvijay who is meanwhile taking refuge on the first-floor of the shop summons Anni to meet his gang. 

"यह अनिरुद्ध है. कौन है ?" "बहुत जबर एक्टिंग करता है. इसकी एक्टिंग देखोगे न तो तुम्हारी ................ हालत ख़राब हो जाएगी" 

And then one “nouveau -urban” guys in his gang bears the brunt of humiliation.

"यार तुम इसको सिखायो. टोपी शोपी ! आए हाय मेरे राज्जा ! टोपी पेहेन्ने से नहीं होता." Ranvijay asks Anni to have a beer so that he’ll be ठंडा ठंडा all day. But then his dad comes up and Ranvijay introduces everyone around as Anni’s college-mate, even though their appearances deceive it.

"यह तौफिक है. BSc की BA बे ? " Taufiq looks down, takes hi cap off and disappointedly says "BSc कहाँ ! BA "

Meanwhile elections approach and also in a parallel story line, love is blossoming between Anni and Niharika, who is supposedly the only good looking girl in the entire university. Ranvijay finds it out and laments about the fact he does not have a love in his life. 

"नज़र का ही तो खेल है. दिल तो साला हमारा भी साफ़ है" 

But he helps Anni out by finding a place for them to meet secretly.

Gauri Shankar pissed off by the antics of Ranvijay, sends out goons to kill people in Ranvijay’s village. The Chief-Minister surveys the scene of tragedy and then, to display the irony of law-and-order in UP, gives a ride home to Gauri Shankar and his men in his white-red-light ambassador. A policeman who tries to see what is going on is reprimanded. 

"आप ज़्यादा phantom ना बनिए. सर सर करेंगे. डांट दिए जाएंगे. " 

Ranvijay hits the roof on getting this news and pledges to finish off Gauri Shankar on the thirteenth day of mourning. And that he does. He also wipes off the confederates of Badri, who loses the election after his brother’s death but spares Jackson, whom he plants in Badri’s team to provide insider information. Now Ranvijay shifs focus to Anni and Niharika who are secretly dating but what Anni does not know is that Ranvijay also likes Niharika and wants to get him out of the way. Damn the girl again!! He leaks information of the dating venue to Niharika’s family and her brothers promptly bash up Anni. Now Ranvijay instigates Anni is one of the ‘motivational’ scenes of the movie to go and seek his revenge. 

"लड़की के सामने मार खा जाने से लड़की को लगता है की लड़का प्यार तो करता है पर सुरक्षा नहीं दे सकता" "बाप को तो छोड़ दो पर भाइयों से हिसाब बराबर कर लो" Hands him a gun. "यह लो. बस दिखाना. फट जाएगी. दौड़ा दौड़ा के मारना" 

Anni, in the heat of the moment, lets out a shot and hurts a guy. Police try to hunt him down and Ranvijay helps him elope to Mumbai where we are introduced to another character, Chutkku, who is a total nut-case but manages to conk out Anni. Ranvijay meanwhile plays his cards and convinces Niharika’s dad for his wedding with her. Asshole !

Annis wakes up in Mumbai two days later and promptly rushes back to Allahabad where he realizes what Ranvijay’s plan actually are. He manages to elope with Niharika and takes shelter with Badri, who believes in “a foe of a foe is a friend”. Meanwhile Ranvijay who has secured a sensitive tape of the Chief Minister, blackmails and admonishes him (by hitting him with a slipper!!! A CM being hit by a slipper !!!) to force Badri to hand over the girl  to him. The deal is set for the next day at Kumbh Mela where gun-fire ensues and everyone except for Anni and Niharika is killed. Ranvijay is shot by Anni himself. The CM brushes off all the charges and the couple is free !! 

What a movie ! After coming to Austin, I miss speaking and listening to Hindi a lot and especially the tone of the typical UP Hindi.  Where else, but this film, can I listed to the distilled version of the “Bhaiya” hindi and it is one of the reasons I love this film and also because of Irfan Khan who has done a stupendous role as Ranvijay. 

"भइया धाकाद पिक्चर है. ज़रूर देखना. समझे ! "

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Hence or Otherwise

This post is dedicated to my friend Ankur Gandhi who is smitten by the sentence “Hence or Otherwise”  

Have you ever had to dig for information and knowing that if you did not manage to do it, you can come off as a total fool? Say for instance you meet an old college friend of yours, with whom who were very intimate in old days and you knew which company he worked in, where was he placed and now all you remember is his face and his name. Now to make matters worse, he knows everything about you.  So you bump into each other.

You- “Hello Bhai ! Arre yaar tum. Itne dino baad. Kya co-incidence hai”

He- “Haan yaar. Main to Mumbai mein hi hoon do saal se. Tera Schlum ka kaam kaisa chul raha hai?”

Oops !! Faux Pas !! Now the best thing to do here is to go ahead and ask which company is he placed in and settle the issue. The more you stall, the uneasy it becomes.

But I being I have to get a kick in the crotch. So I ask him indirect questions like “To tum shuru se hi Mumbai mein ho ki tumhaari company ne kahin aur bhi place kiya?” or  “Training pe kahan kahan gaye” or “Kaam to bahut hoga na wahan ?” in the hope that he’ll blurt out the name and then I can swoop in easily and act like I’ve followed his past and not been an aloof jerk. But I never get an answer. And finally he says

“Abe tum to Goregaon mein hi rehte ho. Kabhi mere yahan aao. Kandivili paas mein hi hai”. WTF ! He knows where I stay and I do not even know where he works. That’s insane. But I’ll leave this story here and come to the point of why I started this explanation. 

Why I started this is because two days back I was sitting in the Engineering Library and poring over some text when this Chinese “Person” (notice the word person) comes and sits across the desk. Honestly this is not made up, but I could not guess whether it was girl or a boy. Now since I cannot use He or She yet, I’ll use Xhe. Now Chinese people have very smooth skin so that factor is ruled out and Xhe had long hair so I was kinda stymied. Xhe smiled and I said “Hi” and the voice had no clue either. I wanted to concentrate on my studies but the thought of not knowing “what” was sitting across me was unsettling. I “Looked” but as Keira Knightly fails the test, Xhe did too. So I decided to strike up a conversation.

So next time Xhe looks up I say “Hello I’ am Siddhartha” and Xhe says “Hi, I’am Xuan Xi Li”

Wow !! That’s helps. Mystery solved.

“So what are you studying here?” I ask.

“Electrical Engineering. Freshman”

“Nice. I’ am in Petroleum. So you from around here or International?”

“No No! I’ am from Taiwan how bout you?”

“I’ am from India” Focus. Buddy I need your information you don’t need mine.

“Oh how wonderful. Must’ve been an awful long flight from Taiwan to Austin”

“Yeah. But my sister was with me too so it was not boring” (if only Xhe told me whether Xhe was sister to her sister too or not) “and also they showed “Made of Honor” and “27 Dresses” so time passed well” 

Definitely a girl. Only then can she like such movies. And then the clincher. 

“So you live by alone or have a roomie ?” 

“Oh! I have a roomie. She’s from Taiwan too. I met her at the induction. So we are 2 girls living in a 2 bedroom apartment”

Bless you !!! 

“I gotta go now. I have a class. Nice to meet you Xuan” I left. 

Hence or otherwise proved. X=S  

Mi Nombre

I have had this said to me three times. I went into University Federal Credit Union to open up my bank account and the lady across the reception said “May I help you Sir”.

“Yes Please. I’ am here to open a new student bank account”

“Certainly. Please fill in this form and we’ll get to it”

So I sit down and fill in the form, which has the usual personal details and stuff. After I’ am done, I hand it back to the lady who looks at it and says

“Siddhartha .. huh ! I’ve read the book, it’s fabulous but I’ve met a person by this name for the first time”

My bulbs went out for a second. Then they came on again. I knew what she was talking about. “Oh yes!” I say  “We are a rare breed”

The same thing happened to me at University Co-op Art Store and at Walmart.

By this time was I was psyched out to the extent of having decided to go ahead and read the damn book once and for all.

I ‘am referring to Hermann Hesse’s “Siddhartha”. This is a book about a prince’s journey of finding his inner self and giving up all the worldly possessions in the process. Originally written in German it has been translated into several languages including English. I looked all this up at the “mother-of-all-uploads” Wikipedia. Sounds quite like a spiritualistic, musty and “Deepak Chopra addresses the crowd” kind of book so I was skeptical because I do not like such books and have never really read one of those except for “Jonathan Livingston Seagull” and “The Alchemist” which I despised, but WTH, I’ve never read a book my namesake either. So I went to the Perry Castaneda Library and got it issued.

It’s about 120 Pages, hardbound.

The first thing that stuck me as odd when I started the book was that there was something wrong with the story line. At least it did not align with what I had known for so long. I knew that Gautam Buddha, was originally called Siddhartha and when he renounced all the worldly pleasures, he came to be known as the former. But here it was different. Siddhartha was a different guy and Gautam Buddha was a different guy. My only hope of sharing my name with a world-class celebrity (albeit of a different class) was shattered.

When I finished the book, I closed it and lay back. I was feeling heavy. Not because of the book, I had just finished my dinner. The book did not have any effect on me. You know there are things which if you call BAD people frown on you.

Like when I was in college, I used to mock my friends who were a fan of “FRIENDS” and they went like “You outcast! How come you don’t like FRIENDS” and today I have all the dialogues memorized. Similarly I borrowed this copy of “The Alchemist” from my Mom and when I finished it she asked “So did you like it? “. Everyone likes the Alchemist or at least pretends to do so but I was about to say “How did you allow me to waste 2 days with this crap” but said instead “I have to go to the bathroom”. She would have frowned, no doubt.

So anyways, I did not like the book. It was as sleepy a hot bathtub and bottle of cough-syrup but at least now I can say  “Oh Puhleeezzz! Am not that boring” 

Saturday, October 04, 2008

What we see yet do not





















This post was on a 'women connect' forum at Schlumberger and I was directed to it by a friend of mine. It was an anonymous post but underneath the rhythm and rhyme was a message which jostled me. I too was walking down a narrow alley of this thought process but I was shaken to senses by this and a few other stuff I read there. Read this one and try and appreciate the fact that the fairer sex doesn't have a easy time in the corporate life, as many of us perceive.  If we are on a 'columbus' they are on a 'roller-coaster' ! 

Thanks for the picking me out of that narrow alley. 

Became a rig pig for a free lunch
Didn't have a clue or a hunch
They said it'd be good, they said it'd be fun
Earn tons of cash, see the world

They treated me good, they treated me right
Booked me a limo after my long flight
Set me up in a hotel with a great view
I kept asking myself if this really was true

I signed on the dotted line before they could change their mind
Couldn't believe I had this job! Oh what a find!
I was sure I made the right choice
Should I have heeded to that little voice?

I was leaving home, settling afar
Rented a little apartment, bought a new car
Life was good, I was living it up
But before long it would start to suck

It wasn't the work, it wasn't the pay
It was things that people would say
I could never do anything right
Being a girl, work became a fight

"You are a girl, that's why you did well"
"That's fine work, you are swell"
Or, "You are a girl, can't do a mans job"
"Rigs are no place for a girl, be a banker, be a doc"

Got no credit, got no fame
Lived with regret and at times with shame
"What's wrong darlin'?", dad would ask
With laughter and stories, my pain I'd mask

"You're too friendly, you must be a slut
Can I visit you tonight, and keep the door shut
You don't talk much, totally a bitch
I bet if I hit on her, she'd snitch"

These are the things I'd have to hear
Go in the corner, let out a lonely tear
Put on a brave face and go back again
I'll be damned if they see my pain!

What can I do, I continue this battle
They'd have to do a lot more, to make me rattle
I'll go down fighting, my sword up in the sky
I might loose, but I'll hold my head high

-Anonymous

A Snooze Fest


After leaving Mumbai I’ve had this impeding fetish of watching a play, of which I was deprived for a long time. Finally today, after around three frikking long months, it was doused. And what big time ! Do u remember the time when you are in an elevator, alone, and this pretty lady you’ve never seen before enters? An unnerving silence that follows and you try and stare at your toes in the hope of finding Indiana Jones’ treasure. Ok so now take that the un-comfort level and multiply is by 45670648590334578 and take the lift into Petronas Tower reduce it’s velocity by the same factor! Why?? 


I went to watch a play by Shakespeare!  

God will vouch that I wasn’t acting crazy or intellectual. Just plain ol curiosity drove me in and plain ol insanity drove me out. It was “A Winter’s Tale” performed by Actors from the London Stage whose theatrical credentials were verified by Wikipedia but boy I did not know the voltage at which my circuits get crossed! 
10 minutes into the play and the ticket stub flew out of my hand. Because I was sleeping. I stuttered awake thinking I was in a lecture and the lady next to me was applauding. Oh ha ha! Very good. Very good indeed. I clapped. Went back to sleep. It was 3 Hours long. Can you believe it ? 3 Hours. Ashutosh Gowarikar gave us horses, fight, elephants, aerobics, some mushy scenes and then too we tongue lashed him for Jodha Akbar. I was speechless here. As speechless at Kamal Hasan in sadma ! 
 

Re-living my high-school days for 3 hours was quite an ordeal and it brings back the memory of Hamlet’s soliloquy, which I had memorized by heart in those days. I make my own here for the grad-school days. 


 

To slack, or not to slack, that is the question;



Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
the C’s and D’s of outrageous assignments,


Or to take pens against a sea of compositions,
And by opposing or creatively copying, finish them. 


To work; to accomplish,
No more, and by accomplishment to say we end

The workload, and the thousand SPE Papers
That students are heir to; 


'tis a dream
Devoutly to be wish'd. To work, to accomplish;
To accomplish; perchance to succeed; ay, there's the rub;



For in that accomplishment of work what mark may come,
When F-1 visa is but a paper and PPT’s are merely a stageshow; 


there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long a school career seem fair

Till later. 


 

May thou have a befitting week! Or whatever!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

If only I could ......

* There is no order. Entropy, as God created, still prevails [;)]

If only I could

Deliver a perfect smash-shot in table tennis. Trivial to start with.
Comprehend the randomness of destiny
Speak fluently at an extempore
Do 10 chin-up’s without having to die of exhaustion
Mingle at a party without nudging my way in and walking out after getting bored
Stand floating in 10 ft water with my head above
Raise my eyes to meet the gaze of someone
Type without having to look down at the pad. Ni I dud nrt nanage ti do it. See I couldn’t do it.
Watch “Patch Adams” without crying when Robin William delivers his speech
Work out 46*17 in my head
Be honest with myself when I ‘am sitting alone and thinking
Tell the truth about my underperformance
Refrain from skipping number 13
Dance by moving my legs along with my hands. Somehow my two left feet are stuck to the floor.
Understand how some people are happy all the time. Pretentious or too little pain.
Convince people with my words. Seemingly it seems crap to everyone.
Operate the mouse with my left hand
Get some info on how Nokia numbers it’s cell phones
Be like Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes) or Ross (of Friends) and not worry about a thing in the world. Everything falls into place.
Give room to humor by evicting sarcasm
Understand Macros in MS Excel
Learn the working of a Stock-market and understand the meaning of ‘Short-selling’ and ‘Insider-trading’
Contribute to Wikipedia
Complete one book before picking up another
Break the silence and shout atop the cliff
Write a prose which rhymes better than “Love” and “Dove”
Throw a trash-paper ball into the dustbin from yards away without it being a fluke
Get the meaning of a Ghazal. Being from Lucknow is another pain.
Define the meaning of “Middle-class-mentality”. Is it pseudo or for real?
Read the newspaper while brushing my teeth.
Count the number of emotions which can be explained by a single word. Fuck.
Drink water from a bottle without having to gulp each time.
Explain to someone, with lucidity, what Petroleum Engineers do
Develop a sense of direction in a new neighborhood. Invariably I lose track of turns.
Go beyond ‘Te Quiero’ in Spanish without having to shove a Babel Fish in my ear
Travel in a flight without feeling a sense of pride and apprehension.
Take a “NO” gallantly
Remember today’s date without having to glance at the watch
Identify the new cricket players in Indian team. Laughing stock.
Rev up a car which has been stalled on an up-going slope without rolling back a meter.
Identify Parveen Babi from Zeenat Aman
Stretch 180 Degrees without having to compromise my dignity
Pinpoint the last thing I saw or heard before I went to sleep
Cut out the accent when talking to an expat
Find a quiet place to sit and ponder upon the finer parts of life. In Mumbai. That’s the catch.
Refute that “Past is perfect and Present is tense”
Type “Siddhartha Gupta” into Google and discover that the first hit was mine
Flush my mind of thoughts which are stale and needless to contain
Muster the courage to trot to the gym everyday
Thank HIM for the goodness bestowed. Not much showers actually.

Digging the pile of one’s own past is the one of most difficult things coz you relate to the garbage. 50 pails of crap were excavated and the whole town remains unscathed yet. [;)]

Ciao !!